Becoming hard-of-hearing a few years ago really turned my world upside down. Before the hearing loss, I was a real outgoing person in social settings. Now, I find myself being left out (unintentionally) of some great conversations. The reason I’m left out is because I cannot hear the conversation. In a group of people, instead of asking the speaker to face me during the conversation or ask them to repeat what they said, I nod and smile and play along as if I can keep up with the conversation. When the group laughs, that’s my cue to laugh as well (even though I have no idea what is so funny). If I am having a one-on-one conversation with someone – say the cashier at the grocery store or the waitress at the coffee shop, I will ask them to repeat what is said. If I cannot understand them after two tries, I give up. The reason I give up is because for some unknown reason, I worry too much about whether I’ll irritate them and/or frustrate them in their needing to repeat, repeat, repeat. My hearing loss, if you were to look at me, is “invisible”. You see, looking at me, you cannot see my hearing aid. I look like a person with no medical issues or problems, so why would I need you to keep repeating yourself?
This being said, I have decided to be more honest with myself and with people I don’t know re: my hearing impairment. I’ve decided that it is perfectly OK to tell the cashier, the waitress or whomever I’m speaking to that I have a hearing impairment, and could they please talk slower and speak up for me? I have tried this new-found approach just this week. I met a girlfriend for lunch, and I arrived first. I went up to the hostess and requested a table that was not located in the center of the restaurant (booths work well for me as far as blocking out noise in restaurants). I said “I have a hearing impairment, and it is better for me to sit at a table or a booth that is not in the open, but against a wall.” The hostess then took me to the quietest area of the restaurant and sat me in a corner booth (perfect!) as I waited for my friend. When I went to the grocery store later that day, the cashier asked me a question. I asked her to repeat it, but still no comprehension on my part. I then just said to her “I have a hearing impairment, and it’s very hard for me to understand what you are saying.” She then talked a little louder and slower and just asked “Coupons?” I got it that time! In my experience, I’ve also discovered that when you are honest with people and tell them why they need to repeat what they said or word it differently for you, they are more than accommodating in the request. I am learning to give people more credit than I did in the past, which has allowed me a more positive view of the world.
8 responses so far ↓
Mark Drolsbaugh // July 27, 2008 at 11:25 pm |
Hi Katie,
Thank you for writing! More stories like yours need to come out in the open for everyone to read and understand. There are just so many people who pooh-pooh our situation and say “Oh, he/she is doing just fine!” If only they knew the truth.
Thought you might like to see a fellow bluffer’s story — check out http://www.deaf-culture-online.com/return-of-super-phony.html and you’ll see you’re not alone.
Thanks again and keep writing!
Best regards,
Drolz
MM // July 28, 2008 at 5:43 am |
We’ve ALL done it. Deaf people have degrees in it
It takes time, you reach a point where bluffing doesn’t work, this can be delayed a considerable time if you are adept enough, but you have to look for warning signs like, you don’t go anywhere, or have severely restricted yourself from going anywhere, all your real mates are deaf or near as etc, or you spend a lot of time on your own, then you will realize you have already fooled yourself rather too much and time to fess up ! However by that time you have already opted OUT, so best as soon as you realize the old ears have gone down the Swanee, to own up, before it’s too late.
Mishkazena // July 28, 2008 at 2:07 pm |
Katie
I can relate to your story very well. Hearing people have no clue how extensively we practiced social bluffing.
kim // July 28, 2008 at 3:20 pm |
Hi Katie,
Or yours. I won’t say I haven’t bluffed either. Sometimes I get tired to telling people over and over. Other times, I think Im handling the situation, then realize too late I’m in over my head. Ah well, that’s life with bad hearing. HAHA! 
Self-disclosure is so empowering, and it’s one of the biggest hurdles to cross when you’re late-deafened. I find talking about my hearing not only helps others to understand what to do to communicate with me better, but it usually puts them more at ease when they realize the problem. Though I’m not gonna say I haven’t run into the occasional rude remark even after informing others about my hearing loss, the fact is people who are rude about it tend to be essentially rude to everyone. Their problem, not mine!
Michele // July 28, 2008 at 4:00 pm |
Katie,
If there was an academy award for bluffing I would be an nominee. LOL I bluffed my way through high school and through many social occasions since, but bluffing isn’t the answer and over the years I have come to terms with bluffing. Granted, there are some occasions where I still bluff, it can come in handy when you nod or smile at the passerby who speaks to you, but doesn’t pause for your response. It was joining the SWC that made me realize I bluff way more than I should and I have made a concerted effort to give it up.
Kim is right, self-disclosure is empowering and “trying out” things has become kind of a game for me. Some days I spend the entire day putting myself in different situations and seeing what works, etc. I am happy to say my putting myself through these drills has paid off. I can be comfortable in most any situation, but that isn’t to say that I don’t slink back to that place of feeling inept from time to time. And when that happens, my mood has more to do with the struggle than anything else the outside world can throw at me. So, try on some scenarios for size when you are out and about, and train yourself to be a better in those situations where you find yourself bluffing. Confidence gained makes all the difference.
Michele
DeafMom // July 31, 2008 at 10:18 am |
Katie,
You go girl! It takes courage to be upfront about communication needs and assert yourself.
I know all about social bluffing as I was a Social Bluffing Queen for many years. Bluffing, we all know– I coined the term for my article on it:
http://www.handsandvoices.org/articles/SocEmot/V9-4_bluff.htm
A Deaf Mom Shares Her World » Embracing the Identity of Being Deaf and Hard of Hearing // July 31, 2008 at 10:56 am |
[...] love stories like this one: Social Bluffing, by Katie. In her post, Katie shares: I have decided to be more honest with myself and with people I [...]
Bill // August 4, 2008 at 8:50 am |
I know about social bluffing, from being around people who sign. I get tired of asking people to repeat, because my signing is so bad, so I tried to gather what’s going on from others, environment, etc.
I know that feeling, at least on a small scale.