Comments on: When Family and Friends Just Don’t Get It

By: kim

kim — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:18:15 +0000

Rob G– I do agree with you that most people will eventually get to the point of understanding our limitations if we explain over and over and over and over. . . Family and friends do seem to be the most challenging though.

By: kim

kim — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:14:15 +0000

Also– one reason we’re so good at ‘hearing’ or ‘lip reading’ our own families is because we know what they’re going to say before they say it. Here’s an example. One time Wordsmith was at my house. My husband had just cut up a peach, then he went into the pantry and said something. I answered, “to the left, third shelf up.” Wordsmith was shocked I heard what my husband said while in the pantry. But I explained that I knew he was looking for the powered sugar because he ALWAYS has powdered sugar on his peaches. What I actually heard him say was, “Blah blaah blah-blah blah-blah?” To everyone else, including my husband, it seemed like I heard what he said. But I didn’t. These kinds of things become so automatic that it fools family members into thinking we can hear. Some people would suggest not to answer unless you actually hear what is said, but it’s an automatic response. Unless we stop and think ‘did i really hear that’ each and every time we respond to family members after they mumble something without looking at us, we’re reinforcing their belief that we can ‘hear when we really want to.’

By: kim

kim — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:04:17 +0000

STW– I see your point about saying you depend on your eyes, or even telling people you’re very visual as I did. For example, the guy said the movie was ‘scenic’ and there was ‘very little to hear’ after I pointed out that documentaries often have a lot of voice-overs.

I also want to say something about lip reading. Even ‘expert’ lip readers don’t get everything all the time. It’s impossible! Only 30-40%% of the English language can be seen on the lips in the BEST of circumstances. We all know the requirements– when you’re close enough to see lips and tongue, when the lighting is good, when the speaker looks at you while speaking instead of down or elsewhere, when the speaker doesn’t cover his or her mouth while speaking, when the speaker doesn’t have nervous gum chewing habits, a beard, or speech impediment.

You could be guessing 80% of what’s being said. I mean– really– what are the chances? Most good lip readers can hear a certain amount of speech. I have great low tones, which puts me at an advantage. I hear most vowel sounds (lower in frequency) which gives me an advantage.

By: saytheword

saytheword — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 11:27:52 +0000

The problem in saying you depend on your ears and I depend on my eyes, is that hearing people make the assumption that all HOH and deaf people are great lipreaders. I am an awful lipreader.
To think that I am going to see every word that jumps out of a hearing person’s mouth is ludicrous. Its as ludicrous as thinking that Bush was a great President.

I also hate the type of people who think they are joking around in good faith by yelling out your name and then saying oh yea, i don’t have to yell, you’re not deaf.

The worse offenders are in my own family. And they are the toughest to get through to. Mainly because, there are times I do hear them well and other times I just can’t get the gist of what’s being said.

By: Rob G

Rob G — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 06:11:56 +0000

One thing I’ve usually said that people will get at least to an extent is this;

“For many deaf and HOH, hearing and understanding are two different things. Just because something is heard, if at all, does not mean it will be understood. Sometimes a helicopter sounds like a train going by.”

Or, “you depend on your ears. I depend on my eyes.”

By: Robyn Carter

Robyn Carter — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 06:01:00 +0000

Argh – this would piss me off bigtime. I think you’re too patient – I would have yelled at him after 2 mins the FIRST time LOL

Cheers
Robyn

By: David

David — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 23:37:12 +0000

(sigh…) Well, this is really akin to racism in that most people simply do not value the lives of people different from themselves to the same degree that they value the lives of people who are like them. It’s like telling an African-American (Black, your preference) “come on, watch this minstrel show (outdated musical form featuring white performers in blackface makeup – *do not* ask me what was the attraction, I do not understand it either) with me, I’m sure you’ll find something to like if you try.”

By: kim

kim — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 21:43:30 +0000

Hi All,
I never thought about it relating to denial but I think you’re all right. I did say at one point that I knew my own limitations and he still wouldn’t let up.

“Say The Word” you hit the nail on the head with your analogy of blindness. Hearing people may understand blindness better because they’ve all experienced it at night when the lights are out. Sometimes you can even see a few shadows and images in the dark, so they get that you can sometimes see a little, and make your way around a familiar room, while darkness in an unfamiliar room is much harder to navigate until you get used to it. They don’t seem to understand there can be degrees of blindness just as there are degrees of deafness. I like this analogy so much I think it might be a great way to explain hearing loss to someone, maybe by using dim lighting or blurry vision as an example of hearing.

By: lizardyoga

lizardyoga — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:44:42 +0000

It must be really frustrating when people don´t understand what it´s like to be deaf. My sister works with deaf people as a signerbut I guess unless you´ve experienced it you don´t know what it´s like. Good luck explaining to these friends I guess they are scared of it happening to them!
Liz

By: speakuplibrarian

speakuplibrarian — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:56:40 +0000

As a former hearing person, I totally agree with saytheword. Hearing people are clueless. As our title says, they just don’t get it. You were more than patient with your relative. What doesn’t he get about you not knowing your own self better than anyone???